bleach comedy fail!
by samgetsu
Summary: ever wonder how messed up and funny situations in bleach could be? well this fanfiction exploits those good moments in bleach and chops them up so they might be funny! T for themes and swearing, but barely so just in case. also, it's not my fault if you're singing my parodies of songs in the shower. or in public for that matter.
1. Chapter 1

Renji: up your butt

Kon: that's not very funny.

Renji: No, seriously! Somehow you got out of the tiger plushie and dug a hole into right under your tail!

WELCOME TO MY NEW FANFIC IN WHICH I TRY TO MAKE PEOPLE LAUGH BY USING BLEACH AS A COMEDY BASE! LET'S GET STARTED, SINCE THERE ISNT A DANGAI FOR ME TO GAIN MORE TIME TO RESCUE MY READERS FROM DEATH OF BOREDOM!

Me: no?

Urahara: no.

Aizen: the hougyoku has determined that that was _lame._

Byakuya: that was the saddest thing I have ever heard.

In the deep dark lair of the konman,

Urahara: kon-san, Don't you find it odd that you have a secret base and that actual people who are trying to save the universe and soul society (such as myself) don't?

Kon: Cause I'm kon-sama, hero to all children (and ladies too)!

In the palace of las noches, aizen is having a meeting with the spade when suddenly…

Hinamori: Aizen-taicho!

Hinamori: not. You think I'm all argle phlargle nooo about you betraying the soul society, huh, well I'm going to kill you now. Your self esteem, that is.

Aizen: how are you going to do that?

Hinamori: SASS POWAZ!

Aizen: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Hinamori: SAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAS

At the winter war,

aizen: screw this, im too depressed to fight a war. Espada, go fight or whatever.

Gin: shinso.

Aizen: deeeeeaaaaad

What did you think? Should I continue it?


	2. Chapter 2

So, after ONE review I have decided to continue this fanfiction!

Kon: Why don't I get to start the fanfiction?

Rukia :because you're still in the royal realm.

MEANWHILE, IN THE MASSIVE STAIRWAY,

Ichigo: where's kon?

Ichigo: oh fu-

IN THE WORLD OF THE LIVING (possibly), cat yoruichi has been kidnapped by the vizard!

Love: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH URAHARA?

Yoruichi: *transforms* nothing. In fact, I'm looking for kisuke.

Yoruichi: stop staring, lisa.

WE NOW RETURN TO 'QUINCY'S CRAFTS'

uryuu: welcome to quincy's craft, I'm your host, Ishida Uryuu!

Inoue: WAY TO GO, ISHIDA-KUN!

Uryuu: inoue-san? This is a quincy-only show!

Inoue: I had brought some jalapeno and mustard cake for you, but the guard ate it all!

Juhabach (ywhach): THE HEIR TO THE QUINCY THRONE MUSNT INTERACT WITH HUMANS.

Dustquiorra: you mean fullbringer, do you not?

Ichigo: THIS IS MADNESS

Aizen: THIS IS A PART OF MY PLAN!

Hichigo: MWAHAHAHA FULL HOLLOW ACTIVATE!

Full power hichigo: MOO

Quincy zangetsu: rolf.

Byakuya: shukei, senbonzakura kageyoshi. Die by my hakuteikan, hollow scum.

Well, that's it! I think this chapter was a tad stretched! Please review! And keep on reading!

Mayuri: a tad?

_Kurotschi mayuri, taicho of the 12__th__ squad's reiatsu has vanished_


	3. Chapter 3

ATTENTION: THIS CHAPTER IS A (DUN DUN DUN) FILLER. PLEASE WAIT A LITTLE LONGER FOR A PROPER CHAPTER DUE TO THE FACT THAT I AM WORKING ON A NEW FANFICTION CURRENTLY. BEFORE ITS RELEASE, I AM GOING TO MAKE A CHAPTER WITH HINTS REGARDING THE BASIS OF THE STORY I CALL "BLEACHED". ENJOY (or I get gin to kill you)!

Gin: why me? Why ya gotta pick on da dead peeps?

Ulquiorra: the author seems to pity/use those killed as part of aizen-sama's brilliantwonderfulepicsweetcoolbadasshollowslayingmaskmakingsoulchainkillingexecutioningxcutioningquincystartlingsotaichoukillingkenpachifightingancestryfinding plan.

Me: Welcome back to my hassle of an ordeal to take over the bleach fanfiction! Lets get started!

IN THE DEEP, DARK LAI-

Ichigo: WE GET IT YOU LIKE BATMAN GET ON WITH IT SHEESH

*ichigo relives yoruichi under soukyoku scene*

Ichigo:WHY

*clears throat* IN THE ULQCAVE

Uquiorra: my cave is empty. Just like my cause of death.

Gin: *thinking to himself* _hm, I bet aizen can get some of dat depression on him._

IN LAS NOCHES

Gin: hey, aizen-taicho! I bet you could train the espada by getting them to use their reason of death on you!

Aizen: for the first time, you have said something that isn't sadistic gin.

Gin:_ he has no idea of whats coming to him._

STARRK: the key to loneliness is being too strong.

IN THE WINTER WAR

Aizen: you are too weak, disappear.

WAAARP

IN THE DANGAI

Tensa: ichigo, the only way to defeat aizens loneliness is to film a yaoi.

Ichigo: WTFOMG

Ichigo: CAN'T I LEARN THE SAIGO NO GETSUGA TENSHOU INSTEAD OF HAVING TO 'DO IT' WITH MY ENEMY WHO'S TRYING TO DESTROY THE UNIVERSE?

Tensa: ok ok you can getsuga.

IN THE ROYAL REALM

Juhagetsu (quincy powers): I wanted you to team up with aizen so you didn't have to defeat me.

Oetsu: there is a reason why the quincy had things messed up on their side.

Oetsu: juhabach here tried to get them all to 'work together' and look how that worked out.


	4. Chapter 4

Hi! I'm back and now it's time to do what I actually promised that I'd do! Now, its time to parody!

Ichigo: im the strongest character in bleach!

Kenpachi: so, you wanna fight now?

Juhagetsu: JUST STAB HIM ALREADY SHEESH SAY SOMETHING DIFFERENT FOR ONCE YOU SAD EXCUSE OF A FIGHTE-

Shirosaki: FULL HOLLOW ACTIVATE!

Ichigo's full hollow: MOOOOOOOOOOOO

Ulquiorra: not this bull**** again. Ressurecion, segunda etapa.

Kenpachi: OOH! _TWO_ POWERFUL ENEMIES!

ANYWAYS, let's see what harribel's diary looks like

Gin: courtesy o' me, ya know!

DEAR DIARY,

Today that ******* of a ******* barragan summoned me again but I was saved by this shinigami who took me to a group of sexist arrancars who turned me into one too.

DEAR DIARY,

I was enslaved by juha bach today.

Dear diary,

I sat in prison.

Dear diary,

I sat in prison.

Dear diary,

I sat in prison.

Dear diary,

I sat in prison.

Noitra: ENOUGH SHEESH

Urahara: wanna see something cool?

Yoruichi: why not.

Urahara: it's a ' event messer upper by urahara. Corp!'

LETS TEST IT OUT!

**KUROSAKI ICHIGO VS TSUMIGIYA URURU**

**Changed into:**

**KUROSAKI ICHIGO VS TIER HARRIBEL**

Harribel: COME HERE YOU SEXIST FREAK!

Urahara: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Tessai: IM COMING, MY DEAR HUSBAND!

Tessai: HADOU NO 90( I don't know how to say 9 in Japanese): KUROHITSUGI

As harribel is stuck in kurohitsugi, she breaks out, only to be told:

Urahara: KUROSAKI SAN WHERE IS TIER HARRIBEL

Ichigo: I DON'T KNOW

Aizen: I love to mess with peoples minds. Apparently there is a perverted hogyouku.

PERVyouku: lets see naked yoruichi!

Yoruchi: stop staring, pervyouku.


	5. Chapter 5

So! New chapter for this fine fanfiction is out now! This is it!

Ichigo: get a better intro

**MORE OF URAHARA'S EVENT MESSER UPPER!**

**ISHIDA URYUU VS KUROTSCHI MAYURI**

**TURNED INTO:**

**KON VS AIZEN**

Kon: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! NEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-SAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN! IIIIIIIIIICHIGOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Aizen: so this is what urahara's inventions do. Explains so much.

**Juha bach: **where am I again?

Harribel: GET BACK HERE YOU SEXIST FREAK!

Kon and juha bach + urahara: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAAH! SAVE US, ICHIGO!

Shirosaki: nope. No hollow for you.

Juhagetsu: BUUUUT you get blut vene! No?

Urahara: no.

Harribel: YOU TOO QUINCY AND HOLLOW

Ishida: this is what happens when you are not polite to women

Harribel: THAT IS ALSO SEXIST

Ishida: that was my death wish, wasn't it?

?: DOONTA WORRY! DON KANONJI WILL SAVE YOU FROM BAD FEMALE SPIRITSU! WAHAHAHA!  
harribel: Did I just accidentally make half of the bleach male population fear me?

Mizuiro: no, but nearly.

Harribel: YOURE THE SEXIST GUY WHO TAKES ADVANTAGE OF WOMEN! JOIN THE OTHERS IN THAT CAGE!

Mizuiro: ok, now half.

SO TO EXTEND MY CHAPTER'S WORD COUNT, HERE IS ULQUIORRA'S INTERPRETATION OF ALL CHARACTERS OF BLEACH

Yuzu and Karin:

Sisters of trash

All other bleach characters except for aizen: trash


	6. ALL THE SINGLE HACHI'S and my removal

**I know I haven't been making any new chapters for like a month, so now I'm going to write at least every weekend. Also, I'm removing my character from this fanfiction due to me getting irritated by other people's characters in similar fanfictions. Enjoy!**

Ulquiorra: REVIVE ME AT ONCE

Rukia: im _hic_ not drunk at_ hic_ all. BAN_ hic_ KAI! HACKERS NOSE TOES GONE AY!

Ichigo: why do I get the feeling that somewhere in the world my name is getting butchered?

IN 'MURICA

Bleach anime fangirl: ICHIGO KOOH ROH SOCKY YAAAAH *starts talking about random fillers*

IN THE DEAD PEOPLE WAITING ROOM

Ulquiorra: I may be dead, I may not be dead. This is confusing.

Stark: im going back to sleep.

Unohana: you all have been put to sleep by a shinigami. As have I.

As nodt: IM SCARED

Yamamoto: SILENCE! UNOHANA TAICHOU, COULD YOU NOT EVEN DIE WITH YOUR HAORI?

Unohana: what about you, ex-soutaicho?

Kaien: you… you're the guy that killed me!

Aaroniero: no. I ate the guy that ate metastacia.

Kaien: oh. It makes so much sense.

Ginjo: NOBODY CARES ABOUT ME

Aizen: kudakero, kyouka suigetsu.

All of a sudden, everybody is in the jyubantai (tenth squad)'s office, drunk, half-naked, and getting pictures taken by matsumoto.

Ulquiorra, stark, unohana, as nodt, yamamoto, kaien, aaroniero, ginjo, and the other people nobodies: MATSUMOTOOO!

Aizen: kudakero, kyouka suigetsu.

SOMEWHERE IN HUECO MONDO

Matsumoto: my male-voice-calling-sense is tingling. Or is it just a bug on my other face? *looks down*

Matsumoto: oh well, it's just a bug.

NOW THEN, ITS TIME FOR YOUR FAVOURITE SHOW, MAKING FUN OF THE ANIME (SUB AND DUB), FOR SHORT, MFASD!

Ichigo: I'm ichigo kooh ro socky!

Rukia: I'm ruKhia koochki!

Orihime: I'm Ohd-ihee-may in-a-way!

Rukia: this show sucks! Right strawberry?

Ichigo: Right, midget!

THE REST OF THIS SHOW HAS BEEN CANCELLED DUE TO THE SHOW CAUSING 4 WARS: dubbers vs subbers, subbers vs manga English, subbers vs manga japan, dubbers vs manga English, dubbers vs manga japan, and manga japan vs manga english. there are also shipping alliances. Here is some footage.

Dubber: ICHIHIMEE!

Subber: ICHIRUKI NO ULQUIHIME! (note: sorry for putting a note in the middle of the chapter, but the no can mean and in Japanese, or at least in what little Japanese I know. See what I did there?)

Kubo: ALL 'OF YALL SHUT UP FER A SEC'ND. WOO- WEEH!

**That may have been offensive, but that was this chapter! I will update in a week probably! GOODBYE, SAYONARA AND FAREWELL FOR A WHILE!**


End file.
